It’s hard to give children meds. Heck, it’s even hard to convince adults to take meds. What more if it’s a pet, namely a cat, that you’re trying giving a pill to? A certain cat owner shares his funny yet in-depth 15-step guide on how to give a cat a pill.
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on any side of cat’s mouth and mildly apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. Pop pill into mouth as cat opens mouth. Patiently allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Recover pill from the floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away soggy pill.
4. Take a new pill from foil wrap. Cradle cat in left arm. Hold hind paws tightly with left hand. Force mouth to open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Recover pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly in between knees while holding front and hind paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail and get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Sweep shattered figurines and vases carefully from floor and set to one side for later gluing.
8. Wrap cat in large towel. Get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill at the end of the drinking straw and force cat’s mouth to open using a pencil. Blow on drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans. Drink one beer and taste the pill. Apply band aid to forearm of spouse. Remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from hut of neighbor. Get another pill. Open 1 more beer. Place cat in cupboard. Close door unto neck to leave head showing. Use dessert spoon to force mouth to open. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage. Put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch, pour a shot and drink. Apply cold compress to cheek. Disinfect cheek by applying whiskey. Check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw away your T-shirt and get a new one from bedroom.
12. Call the fire department to retrieve cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak and be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume the remainder of scotch. Get your spouse to drive you to nearest hospital. Sit quietly while the doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call favorite furniture shop to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call pet shop to see if they have any cute ferrets.
Bonus Tip: How to Give a Dog a Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
Note: This how to guide is for entertainment purposes only.